We need to talk about Corey – 3 Things Corey Norman could do during his Gap Year

What a couple of weeks it’s been for our current favourite NRL player, Corey “The Wonderdog” Norman. Seriously, is there anything he can’t do? He has scratched almost everything off the NRL Not To Do List. The only things probably missing are “ask Anthony Mundine for lift to airport”, “use boots as toilet” and “touch someone on genitals (front and back)”. Now he gets to go on a Gap Year too!

While it’s admirable that The Wonderdog has decided to live each day as if it’s his last (Mad Monday), the 8 weeks off will do him some good. Give him some time to reflect. He can take a long hard look at himself, although preferably not in the mirror or on Snapchat while “performing” some kind of “sex act”.

So here are 3 things we reckon The Wonderdog could do during his Gap Year to fill in the time.

1.         Get politically active

Now that he’s dined with bikies and been told off by the Police for cavorting with known criminals, or as we like to call it, “chillin’ with m8’s”, the logical next step is for Norman to join an extremist political group.

Why should anyone have the right to tell The Wonderdog what to do and who to do it with? He should be free to have as many spring rolls, pork buns and those funny little fried prawn toast things as he can handle and not have to take a pill afterwards to aid digestion.

Campell Newman tried to do something similar in Queensland and look what happened there. So whether it’s communist, fascist, jihadist, or otherwise, who cares? Just get active. Get involved. Rise up m8.  

2.         Get involved in property development

It’s been tough at Parra generally. Given the salary cap breaches and stench of administrative ineptitude surrounding the club, Norman should do what all great rugby league clubs do when they try to fit players under the salary cap – sniff out property development opportunities. There are a whole bunch of property projects in North Queensland that are just crying out for the kind of man management and attention to detail that only Norman can provide.

Once he’s done that with the obligatory stint on Renovation Rescue, Norman can turn his attention to Parra itself. After all, it’s the new CBD. It’s booming. We’ve been hearing this since the 80s or at least ever since Peter Wynne’s Score still ran ads on television.  Surely now is the time to turn The Roxy into some crap apartments with a lap pool and a rooftop cabana. Residency by David Guetta too! Justice Crew on Sneaky Sundays though.  

3.         Get on a reality TV show

Pauline Hanson went on Dancing with the Stars. Shane Warne was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Some Poontang. So old mate Corey should probably have a crack at something too. Probably Masterchef. He can cook up some organic, single origin contraband using a recipe handed down from one generation of cartels to another. And then share it with his m8’s. That’s what life’s all about eh. Shared times, shared memories. shared needles ok too.  

4.         Find Chrissy Sandow

yeah this is number 4 out of 3 but so what? seriously. where is chrissy? is he coming back? can he and corey play together now that parra have been penalized? it doesn't even have to be rugby league. come on. fellas? fellaz!

State of Origin 2 - Match report and post mortem

Like a fatty boombalah starting a diet tomorrow, every June talk turns to whether this is the year the Blues finally break the shackles. This is it. The players have learned from last year. They’ve learned from Game 1, They’’ll do it for The Chin; they’ll do it for Uncle Laurie; They’ll do it for…  SPOLIER ALERT: They didn’t. This match review could end here. But it won’t.

This year, things were meant to be different. For a start, Mal was no longer the head coach of Queensland. But just as everybody knew Uncle Junior was the Boss in name only and Tony Soprano was really pulling the strings, this Queensland team has Mal’s grubby paws all over it. Mal’s comment that “it’s good for NSW to win from time to time”, is the kind of pat on the head you used to give the unco neighbor your mum used to make you play ping pong with whenever you let him win. 

What we saw in Game 2 was the kind of performance that NSW have been trotting out since Jarred Mullen was the Great White Halfback. In fact, the only thing more predictable than NSW losing when in a position to win is mainstream media whining about Speak No Inglis being born in NSW. He’s not playing for NSW. Get over it. We are never ever ever getting back together. After all, Pitcairn Island is a more verdant source of organic, fair trade, single origin players.  Get it! GEDDIT. Yeah puns are cool man. We like plays on words too. Add us on Snapchat!

Anyways, NSW didn’t make things easy for themselves from the outset. Wade Graham was out. He was never actually in. He tackled Where’s Darryn and now he might never play Origin. Uncle Laurie said “Wade brings something new to the team”. Like what? Bacardi Breezers? Chicken drumette sliders? Frankly, when you’ve been named after a verb, bringing your boots for training is already a win.

 Brett Josh Morris was also out. Dylan Walker had the full 80 minutes to conclusively prove that he is the best in NSW at putting his hands on his head after knocking with the try line at his mercy on since Nathan Merritt. And didn’t he just. Of course, no report could fail to mention Michael “AVO” Jennings. Quite how he was able to put in arguably the best ‘worst on field’ performance in Origin history surprised even himself.

 The match post mortems focused on the lack of ‘culture’ in NSW, the lack of ‘true’ leaders. For once, Phil The Toad Gould is probably right. We say that only because Wayne Bennett agreed with him. And he knows a thing or two about winning. Clearly, what’s missing is a lack of true grit in NSW. Just as Jeff Bridges had to head out into the Wild West to really learn how to become a man, the Blues have to do something similar.

Short of getting Wayne Bennett in as coach, we think that what our esteemed administrators need is to set up a new state of origin – an Islamic State of Origin. Taking on the hardest men this side of the Levant is the only way to ensure NSW stay vaguely competitive. It’s unlikely to be enough to defeat Queensland in Game 3, but it’d certainly ‘bring something new’ to the team. World peace too.  Cool! Add us on Snapchat! Or just watch the vid linked below.  

The Renaissance of Alternative Sports Commentary

just as 15th Century Florence was a hotbed of artistic, intellectual and philosophical intrigue, the same can be said of the tippytappysports commentary team. We are Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello and Michelangelo all rolled into one resplendent renaissance self. Splinter is our patron and mildly aristocratic vermin overlord. We can see the Uffizi from our sewer. We generally mix metaphors and take things a simile too far. Let the Renaissance (re)commence.

You might be wondering what we’ve been doing during our brief hiatus. Well, so have we. The time wasn’t spent in a daze. In fact, we needed that time out to let our minds rest and recuperate. After all, sports commentary is hard, alternative sports commentary even harder. Our renaissance is more of a rupture. A redoubling if you will of all that is good, bad and indifferent about sports and sports commentary.

Since we’ve been off air, we’ve seen the passing of Muhammed Ali. He was the greatest. At what precisely remains a mystery. There is nevertheless so much to look forward to. We have the world championship Zika virus about to take place in Rio de Janiero. Our Olympic coverage will consist of duels between Bob Costas and some other dude. We may look to re-enact the Juan Antonio Samaranch highlights reel consisting of receiving brown paper bags and downing bottles of Chateau Petrus before elevenses.

Apart from the Olympics, at some point over the next little while, we will seesomebody write an article about whether it’s time for Arsene Wenger to retire, whether Leo Messi is better than Cristiano Ronaldo, does Australia have any idea how to play the Duke ball and is Novak Djokovic’s true destiny to play Travis Bickle in the inevitable remake of Taxi Driver. Tennis Player directed by Michael Bay and produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Of course, some professional sportsman will disgrace himself and then apologise for any offence “he may have committed”.  

In that respect, plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose. We don’t even know what that means. But just as Steve Waugh’s insistent mantra was “no regrets”, we would say in response, “non, je ne regrette rien” which just sounds like French for “no worries m8 sik kunt”.

So apologies to you all for leaving you just like that. But let’s not look backward. Let’s look to the Renaissance. Let’s don some tights and a jerkin and mince around like we’re extras in Game of Thrones. Sure, that might be taking things a bit too far but when has excessive restraint ever been in the tippytappysports playbook?

Keep an eye on our broadcast schedule for upcoming live calls, appearances – likely to be every day somewhere – and general silliness. Embrace the Renaissance and live stream hilarity will ensue. Guaranteed.

So mute the tv and turn up the tippytappy. Your ears will thank you.