State of Origin 2 - Queensland Under Pressure

It’s State of Origin 2. It’s only been 3 weeks since NSW comprehensively outplayed Queensland in Game 1. It’s been so long and the memories so good, some of us actually think Mitchell Pearce had a good game the first time round. Well a good game for him. And while we don't think Mitchell Pearce should be seen anywhere near a karaoke bar any time soon, he could be excused for belting out in Queensland's direction the David Bowie/Freddy Mercury masterpiece, Under Pressure. Knowing Pearce though, he'd probably go with the Vanilla Ice rip off. But we digress.

Queensland, stung by the thrashing handed out to them, has rung the changes. Unfortunately, that doesn’t extend to the coach. But Kevin "Not that Big Kev" Walters has made the tough decisions – he’s brought Billy Slater back. And Jonathon Thurston. With that kind of tough decision making, expect Captain Obvious to turn his talents to politics. Because we all know how well that went for is predecessor. 

Oh yeah, Captain Obvious also dropped most of the forward pack. This has its advantages. Nate Myles has taken up a residency at Pasha in Ibiza. After party security is now handled by His Girl Thaiday. Then it’s Back to Mine with Matty Johns. What.

Anyways, for Queensland, Wednesday is crucial – not only is the series on the line, it could be Thurston’s last competitive game at Origin level. No pressure Queensland. No need to think that playing in front of 80,000 Blues fans baying for only the second Origin victory in 10 years would be the kind of scene tailor made – but not Jason Tailor made – for a player like Thurston. Who else would you want to send over a wobbly field goal in the 78th minute to break a 4 all deadlock?

NSW will want to wrap up the series in Sydney. The idea of going to Brisbane in Thurston’s last game with the series still to play for would be the worst case of dead man walking since Paul Gallen's captain's run last year.

Either way, it’s going to be huge. It’s going to be hard. And it’s going to be coming at you. Live on TippyTappy Sports. To hear us call the game, bash that green button any time after 7:45pm 

Australia v Saudi Arabia - A Love Story

Saudi Arabia is a country that is all too often in the headlines for the wrong reasons. Sure, the recent spectacle of President Trump fondling an orb and predicting the next episode of fake news was cool.  After all, it provided a brief respite from the barrage of alleged human rights abuses, censoring of free speech and indiscriminate incarceration that we’ve come to know and love from our Saudi cousins. But Saudi Arabia poses a far more immediate threat to Australia – direct qualification for the World Cup in Russia 2018.  This is why on 8 June 2017, all Australians should check their political sensibilities at the door and either get out to the Adelaide Oval or get down to the pub to support the Socceroos.

The equation for the Socceroos is pretty simple. Win by 3 clear goals and move to second in Group B and pretty much guarantee direct qualification. Or draw/lose, remain in third place and face a play off for qualification. Not just one play off. Possibly two. The first would be against the third placed Asian team in Group A. Win that and then face another play off. Not against an Asian team but the 4th placed team from CONCACAF. At the moment that’s the USA. Let’s hope their keeper has tiny hands. We know their captain does.  

Given all the domestic football that’s on, you might have forgotten that the Socceroos are in the midst of their World Cup qualifying campaign. To be fair, the campaign has been going on since June 2015. That’s not a typo – June 2015. Think back to what you were doing then. Ok stop. Now clean up after yourself. June 2015 is almost a year to the day when the NSW Blues comprehensively demonstrated that victory in 2014’s State of Origin was basically a fluke. Almost six months before the Wallabies would reach the pinnacle in world rugby by being the best team in the world after the All Blacks. Hell, in June 2015 people still genuinely believed signing Lance “Buddy” Franklin on a 10 year contract was a bloody good idea.   

We all know how the match against the Saudis is going to go. It will be a cagey affair with Australia not wanting to commit too many players forward for fear of conceding a goal on the break. The Saudis will remain ‘compact’ in defence which is a polite way of saying they will ‘park the bus, ute and any other armoured vehicle that happens to be around’. Australia will look to Aaron Mooy, he of Huddersfield – and now playing with the big boys in the English Premier League – to inspire. We will look to Tom Rogic to conclusively prove that he does the best Mark Viduka impersonation of his generation i.e. is a gun at club level but goes beyond AWOL in big internationals. Regardless, if it’s 0-0 with ten minutes to play, expect to see lots of footage of Ange Postecoglu lurking in the technical area threatening to go the full Calombaris – no, not underpay his staff but abuse anyone in earshot.

Most importantly, this qualifier will provide cannon fodder for all the soccer ‘haters’ out there as the Saudis look to slow the match down, fake injury and fake concern for fellow human beings. That is not fake news. President Trump would be proud. That’s reason enough to get out there and wear your green and gold. We’re calling it 2-0. To Australia.

This article was first published here

Lost in the Shire: Why Peter Stirling is the Bill Murray of Rugby League

It is the biggest mystery since the investigation into what exactly Eddie Haysen was thinking during that press conference. We all want to know: just what did Peter Sterling say to Chad Townsend after the Sharks v Cowboys preliminary final. Townsend has done a remarkable thing and stated that he would rather keep it private. What? To himself? That’s not the way of the 21st century rugby league player – privacy is limited to the evanescence of Snapchat. Yeah that’s right, evanescence. Bet you never thought you’d see that word and Snapchat in the same sentence about rugby league.

The point is this: how much better would rugby league be if players, coaches and administrators kept stuff to themselves? Imagine a world where we didn’t know what James Segeyaro was having for dinner – honey king prawns, beef in blackbean sauce, chicken chow mein and a fried rice, yeah large cheers thanks – or which convicted criminal he was having it with? Or a world where Andrew Fifita didn’t write the names of his mates on his arm? All three of them too! That would be as much fun as a ride at Jarrydworld on the Gold Coast but something we could all believe in.

This season is the greatest annus horribilis in rugby league since the last one. In a year of salary cap biatches, #instaexcuses and Stephen Dank memes, the Sterling/Townsend lovefest is the best news since Anthony Mundine agreed to stop giving players lifts to the airport. Clearly, there is one man who is singlehandedly responsible for bringing league back from the brink. And that man is Bill Murray.

Were it not for the ludicrousness of Bill Murray whispering sweet nothings into the ear of an emotional Scarlett Johansson on a busy street in Shibuya, Peter Stirling would have had no reference point for his words to Townsend. None. Nada. Big fat cronut. Sure, Sterlo could have taken the David Lynch route and gone all Mulholland Drive silencio on Townsend, but Sterlo has never struck me as a lesbian noir kind of guy. That’s clearly Wayne Bennett’s thing. Maybe Freddie Fittler too if he’s had a few too many Bacardi Breezers and is running around like an excited puppy.

The fact is, Peter Sterling is the Bill Murray of rugby league. He has the same bald head. The same goofy persona. That singular ability to look confused and a font of all wisdom at the same time. They both have a love for early 80s glam rock at karaoke and oversize meals of shabu shabu. The same legendary status within their field. After all, who else could make a Mazda RX-7 seem like an appealing possibility in 1986? Who else would be able to say, hand on heart, I won a Grand Final, I basically did nothing and the score was 4-2?

If Peter Sterling is the Bill Murray of rugby league, does that make Chad Townsend league’s Scarlett Johansson? The answer, in rugby league talk, is clearly yeahnah. He has, however, displayed all the qualities of the ingénue such that he deserves a medal. Let’s call it a Clive Churchill. But only if James Maloney beats him to it.  

We need to talk about Corey – 3 Things Corey Norman could do during his Gap Year

What a couple of weeks it’s been for our current favourite NRL player, Corey “The Wonderdog” Norman. Seriously, is there anything he can’t do? He has scratched almost everything off the NRL Not To Do List. The only things probably missing are “ask Anthony Mundine for lift to airport”, “use boots as toilet” and “touch someone on genitals (front and back)”. Now he gets to go on a Gap Year too!

While it’s admirable that The Wonderdog has decided to live each day as if it’s his last (Mad Monday), the 8 weeks off will do him some good. Give him some time to reflect. He can take a long hard look at himself, although preferably not in the mirror or on Snapchat while “performing” some kind of “sex act”.

So here are 3 things we reckon The Wonderdog could do during his Gap Year to fill in the time.

1.         Get politically active

Now that he’s dined with bikies and been told off by the Police for cavorting with known criminals, or as we like to call it, “chillin’ with m8’s”, the logical next step is for Norman to join an extremist political group.

Why should anyone have the right to tell The Wonderdog what to do and who to do it with? He should be free to have as many spring rolls, pork buns and those funny little fried prawn toast things as he can handle and not have to take a pill afterwards to aid digestion.

Campell Newman tried to do something similar in Queensland and look what happened there. So whether it’s communist, fascist, jihadist, or otherwise, who cares? Just get active. Get involved. Rise up m8.  

2.         Get involved in property development

It’s been tough at Parra generally. Given the salary cap breaches and stench of administrative ineptitude surrounding the club, Norman should do what all great rugby league clubs do when they try to fit players under the salary cap – sniff out property development opportunities. There are a whole bunch of property projects in North Queensland that are just crying out for the kind of man management and attention to detail that only Norman can provide.

Once he’s done that with the obligatory stint on Renovation Rescue, Norman can turn his attention to Parra itself. After all, it’s the new CBD. It’s booming. We’ve been hearing this since the 80s or at least ever since Peter Wynne’s Score still ran ads on television.  Surely now is the time to turn The Roxy into some crap apartments with a lap pool and a rooftop cabana. Residency by David Guetta too! Justice Crew on Sneaky Sundays though.  

3.         Get on a reality TV show

Pauline Hanson went on Dancing with the Stars. Shane Warne was on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Some Poontang. So old mate Corey should probably have a crack at something too. Probably Masterchef. He can cook up some organic, single origin contraband using a recipe handed down from one generation of cartels to another. And then share it with his m8’s. That’s what life’s all about eh. Shared times, shared memories. shared needles ok too.  

4.         Find Chrissy Sandow

yeah this is number 4 out of 3 but so what? seriously. where is chrissy? is he coming back? can he and corey play together now that parra have been penalized? it doesn't even have to be rugby league. come on. fellas? fellaz!

State of Origin 2 - Match report and post mortem

Like a fatty boombalah starting a diet tomorrow, every June talk turns to whether this is the year the Blues finally break the shackles. This is it. The players have learned from last year. They’ve learned from Game 1, They’’ll do it for The Chin; they’ll do it for Uncle Laurie; They’ll do it for…  SPOLIER ALERT: They didn’t. This match review could end here. But it won’t.

This year, things were meant to be different. For a start, Mal was no longer the head coach of Queensland. But just as everybody knew Uncle Junior was the Boss in name only and Tony Soprano was really pulling the strings, this Queensland team has Mal’s grubby paws all over it. Mal’s comment that “it’s good for NSW to win from time to time”, is the kind of pat on the head you used to give the unco neighbor your mum used to make you play ping pong with whenever you let him win. 

What we saw in Game 2 was the kind of performance that NSW have been trotting out since Jarred Mullen was the Great White Halfback. In fact, the only thing more predictable than NSW losing when in a position to win is mainstream media whining about Speak No Inglis being born in NSW. He’s not playing for NSW. Get over it. We are never ever ever getting back together. After all, Pitcairn Island is a more verdant source of organic, fair trade, single origin players.  Get it! GEDDIT. Yeah puns are cool man. We like plays on words too. Add us on Snapchat!

Anyways, NSW didn’t make things easy for themselves from the outset. Wade Graham was out. He was never actually in. He tackled Where’s Darryn and now he might never play Origin. Uncle Laurie said “Wade brings something new to the team”. Like what? Bacardi Breezers? Chicken drumette sliders? Frankly, when you’ve been named after a verb, bringing your boots for training is already a win.

 Brett Josh Morris was also out. Dylan Walker had the full 80 minutes to conclusively prove that he is the best in NSW at putting his hands on his head after knocking with the try line at his mercy on since Nathan Merritt. And didn’t he just. Of course, no report could fail to mention Michael “AVO” Jennings. Quite how he was able to put in arguably the best ‘worst on field’ performance in Origin history surprised even himself.

 The match post mortems focused on the lack of ‘culture’ in NSW, the lack of ‘true’ leaders. For once, Phil The Toad Gould is probably right. We say that only because Wayne Bennett agreed with him. And he knows a thing or two about winning. Clearly, what’s missing is a lack of true grit in NSW. Just as Jeff Bridges had to head out into the Wild West to really learn how to become a man, the Blues have to do something similar.

Short of getting Wayne Bennett in as coach, we think that what our esteemed administrators need is to set up a new state of origin – an Islamic State of Origin. Taking on the hardest men this side of the Levant is the only way to ensure NSW stay vaguely competitive. It’s unlikely to be enough to defeat Queensland in Game 3, but it’d certainly ‘bring something new’ to the team. World peace too.  Cool! Add us on Snapchat! Or just watch the vid linked below.